On a Roll....

Well, since my last post, I have been really forcing myself into better changes. I feel better about myself just making those changes. The first night after I wrote I did 26 situps before bed. The next day I ate really well and spent 10 min on the treadmill. Today I did 30 situps in the morning and spent about 10 minutes dancing around with the baby. Each day I am eating sauteed chicken breast in olive oil, salads, eggs scrambled for breakfast and usually chicken or salad for dinner. If I am starved for a treat I have a couple pieces of dark chocolate.

My abdominal muscles are killing me...thank you c section....but I feel better overall just knowing I have made 2 days worth of progress. It makes the next day even easier. Tomorrow I measure again, I am sure they have not changed...I pray they did not get worse after my weekend of eating badly for my birthday. I hope that by the time I fly to see my sister in mid Feb, that I will have at least lost an inch everywhere.

Struggling

I am having such a hard time sticking to positive changes. I have never struggled so much before. I am convinced it's because I am staying at home, caring for Maddie. Add rough nights, not getting enough sleep, being lazy, not having anywhere to go...I am sedintary. Then I end up overeating from being tired and breastfeeding. I think I put back on 10lbs from the holidays and my birthday.

I don't feel like me, I feel like I am trapped inside a body that not only doesn't look very good, it hurts...

So now that the birthday is over, I have the cake and ice cream gone in the house. I spent a lot of time thinking and praying yesterday. I did 26 sit ups before bed, we joined the YMCA 2 days ago...I can eat better even when my body doesn't feel good enough to work out.

I committed to doing sit ups every single night and tracking them by writing on paper that is posted on my fridge.

I can at least have lost 5-7lbs when I go to visit my sister in a month.

I believe in myself, I can do this and be back in my clothes and thin again and feeling good about me and life by summer. I CAN DO THIS.

I want to feel happy and positive and strong again.

Began working out

So today I began running on my treadmill. I am remembering the philosophy my trainer Micah taught me. I have done high speed short bursts which kick up your metabolism. Because it is too hard for me to stay on it long periods of time, in fact I'm on it for maybe 7 min and then I feel dizzy...I am doing it at least 5 times a day. Whenever the mood hits and I can already feel my body responding. Muscle memory after all...it was not that long ago I was in the best shape I have ever been in, a tight toned size 2/4.

So here we go again...

My goal is to at least lose 10 lbs by the time I go to Florida on 2/16. I CAN do this. I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snow!!

So far so good! I ate so much better yesterday, and it didn't take the massive amounts of effort that I thought it would. Seems to me, that just managing to make the right choices for a single day, makes every step easier.

I need to get out a tape measure this week and get my measurments since I do not own a scale and won't get on one right now. If I measure my body in inches, I can watch my progress and record it weekly here.

Has anyone heard of this new diet sensation called Sensa? So you sprinkle this stuff on your food and it is supposed to trigger your brain to quit eating faster. hmmmm....and does it trigger cancer in the process? Or maybe it's like that nasty MSG and causes your brain to over react as it turns out to be an excitotoxin (sp?). I'm not sure, but I can say that I am not putting it on my food and in my body without knowing, and especially while I am breastfeeding.

So today...a new snow storm is on the way. I love the snow, I like the fun of being all bundled up. After some time, I get tired of the snow, especially when it turns brown and dirty and it looks like we are living in Detroit...but the new snow, the great big flakes...fun fun.

Sleep oh sleep, where for art thou?

So last night, I was alone, which is unusual. Normally my daughter's father is with me. But he was not, and so I decided that I would go to bed early. Madison goes down around 8:30, and I did not end up crawling into bed until a little after 10. And I laid there.....and laid there....and made some kind of noise that woke up Madison. So she cried, and when I finally got her settled in I could not fall asleep. She then woke me up, oh, 4, maybe 5 times until 8:45 this morning.

I wake up this morning and stumble into the kitchen and make myself a cup of coffee. I click on msn.com and see an article on 16 different ways to boost your metabolism in the new year. #16 was increased sleep. Apparently a study has been done that sleep deprived people gain weight.

Now what am I supposed to do about this one? I don't nap very well during the day. I wonder if anyone else is like that?

For breakfast I had a cup and a half of coffee, 2 pieces of toasted ezekiel bread and two eggs. I got a huge chocolate craving awhile ago so I had to small pieces of dark chocolate that I got for Christmas. So far so good. This afternoon I think I will have some mixed veges and maybe one of those lean pockets I bought because they are easy to stick in the microwave. Will probably have another cup of coffee.

I long for the energy that I used to have. For the fun it was getting dressed in the morning. It was great throwing together new colored scarfs with new tops and trying different styles of shoes. The clothes are all still there...they just don't fit. Deppressing!

My little girl is bouncing up and down in her baby einstien jumper and 'talking' to me. Dah....an Dah! OOhhhh A dah! She is beautiful. She is worth every bit of struggle I am having with my weight. But it's not the baby's fault I gained in the first place. I didn't manage the pregnancy gain as I should have. I was counting on this being easy, and for someone who has always be careful of what they ate I decided to just have a good time and eat as I pleased...now I wish I could take that back.

I have an ultimate goal of being able to fit into my size 8's by March 1st. Then down to my 6's by April 1st. And so on...I would like to dye my hair back to it's natural color in March. That's my goal anyway.

And day one of my journey, I am confident that I CAN DO THIS!

Gulp, ugh, shudder, sigh....is that a mirror?!?

Shamefully I begin my blog again...daring to let some of my friends eventually see it in order to push myself to take responsibility for my progress. UGH!! I look at the last post, written in October...my daughter was 5 months old at the time...nearly 3 months have passed and I am STILL the same weight. This weight is beginning to feel like it's choking me. Old reminders of the eating disorder I had in college is creeping back into my mind. Photographs of me just two years ago after working out with a personal trainer mock me all over my house.

Handfuls of toffee popcorn, homemade Christmas cookies, chocolate candy kisses and gobbled up crap later.....I can't help but ask myself....why??? I am miserable at this weight, not a single thing I wore pre pregnancy fits me, I hide in my home because I have nothing to wear and I don't recognize myself in the mirror. Why then, do I not make better choices about my eating habits?

Ok Ok. So granted, it was just Christmas, and I allowed myself to eat as I wanted. But I ate too much of everything I wanted and gained 5 lbs and here I am trying to LOSE baby jiggle wiggle.

Let's be real.

#1. No sleep. No SLEEP...... NO SLEEP I SAY!!! This seems to be a problem in the weight loss area for me. I am dragging...I am tired, I am SO tired. I exist to get up and sit on the couch. Add to that being in a car accident 2 days before Christmas and injuring my neck making working out a joke for the time being...but I digress....I AM SOOOOOOOOO TIRED.

#2. Working out. So, I bought a treadmill. It's small, it's used. It makes a lot of noise and you have to be really careful not to kill yourself on it when you are 5 9 1/2 and 100 million pounds...it's not being used.

#3. My skin. WHY has my skin gone haywire since I've had this little girl? You know, while I was pregnant my skin was glowing up until the very end. People used to say to me, "oh, you are having a girl? why she will be beauuutiful just like her mommy" and I would beam secretly willing the weight to fall off right after she was born. NOT! I read somewhere the way to know if you are having a girl...they steal your beauty. LOL She's gorgeous, a stunning little creature. So hey...if that is the case, it was worth giving up.

Post C Section, PCOS has returned I am sure, making me sluggish and tired and dumping tons of insulin into my bloodstream making weight loss really really hard.

But there is the thing.....I CAN do this. I can go to sleep early, like now when it is 8:30 pm and my daughter will sleep until midnight before her first feeding and I can get a good stretch of rest. I CAN work out little by little more and more until I crave it.

Progress:

#1. Today I had my boyfriend (Maddie's father) fax in a financial aid application to the YMCA so that I can start working out there. As soon as I get it, off to the gym I WILL go. I will leave her with her Dad and use this as my escape. I will make this happen. Some Shakira (I can have that bod if I try hard, I've had it before) on the i pod and let's do this thing...

#2. I did do a little salsa video today for a brief few moments until my neck twinged. I did a few leg slides on my leg slider (offical name unknown) and now my lower back twinges.

My knees crackle...and who said it was okay to have cellulite on the front of your legs and all around your knees? *SOB* Back fat?!!! What the heck is the rolls under my arms? Dana oh Dana where art thou?

I CAN do this. I CAN make this happen. I CAN motivate myself.

Today was a bad eating day. A BAD BAD BAD eating today.

Tomorrow I will wrap up my daughter and take her with me to the grocery store. We will get some creamer (my one vice) for my wonderful Keurig Coffee maker (it ROCKS) that I got for Christmas, some fruits, some sliced turkey to chomp on...some more veges.

I will take it easy (due to my neck injury) and do some leg work tomorrow, even if it's only 10 minutes and walk. I will walk on my treadmill. I CAN walk afterall.

I CAN do this and by Valentines day I will have made progress and will be feeling better and will be well on my way.

Come on 2010...let's go find me!