Gulp, ugh, shudder, sigh....is that a mirror?!?

Shamefully I begin my blog again...daring to let some of my friends eventually see it in order to push myself to take responsibility for my progress. UGH!! I look at the last post, written in October...my daughter was 5 months old at the time...nearly 3 months have passed and I am STILL the same weight. This weight is beginning to feel like it's choking me. Old reminders of the eating disorder I had in college is creeping back into my mind. Photographs of me just two years ago after working out with a personal trainer mock me all over my house.

Handfuls of toffee popcorn, homemade Christmas cookies, chocolate candy kisses and gobbled up crap later.....I can't help but ask myself....why??? I am miserable at this weight, not a single thing I wore pre pregnancy fits me, I hide in my home because I have nothing to wear and I don't recognize myself in the mirror. Why then, do I not make better choices about my eating habits?

Ok Ok. So granted, it was just Christmas, and I allowed myself to eat as I wanted. But I ate too much of everything I wanted and gained 5 lbs and here I am trying to LOSE baby jiggle wiggle.

Let's be real.

#1. No sleep. No SLEEP...... NO SLEEP I SAY!!! This seems to be a problem in the weight loss area for me. I am dragging...I am tired, I am SO tired. I exist to get up and sit on the couch. Add to that being in a car accident 2 days before Christmas and injuring my neck making working out a joke for the time being...but I digress....I AM SOOOOOOOOO TIRED.

#2. Working out. So, I bought a treadmill. It's small, it's used. It makes a lot of noise and you have to be really careful not to kill yourself on it when you are 5 9 1/2 and 100 million pounds...it's not being used.

#3. My skin. WHY has my skin gone haywire since I've had this little girl? You know, while I was pregnant my skin was glowing up until the very end. People used to say to me, "oh, you are having a girl? why she will be beauuutiful just like her mommy" and I would beam secretly willing the weight to fall off right after she was born. NOT! I read somewhere the way to know if you are having a girl...they steal your beauty. LOL She's gorgeous, a stunning little creature. So hey...if that is the case, it was worth giving up.

Post C Section, PCOS has returned I am sure, making me sluggish and tired and dumping tons of insulin into my bloodstream making weight loss really really hard.

But there is the thing.....I CAN do this. I can go to sleep early, like now when it is 8:30 pm and my daughter will sleep until midnight before her first feeding and I can get a good stretch of rest. I CAN work out little by little more and more until I crave it.

Progress:

#1. Today I had my boyfriend (Maddie's father) fax in a financial aid application to the YMCA so that I can start working out there. As soon as I get it, off to the gym I WILL go. I will leave her with her Dad and use this as my escape. I will make this happen. Some Shakira (I can have that bod if I try hard, I've had it before) on the i pod and let's do this thing...

#2. I did do a little salsa video today for a brief few moments until my neck twinged. I did a few leg slides on my leg slider (offical name unknown) and now my lower back twinges.

My knees crackle...and who said it was okay to have cellulite on the front of your legs and all around your knees? *SOB* Back fat?!!! What the heck is the rolls under my arms? Dana oh Dana where art thou?

I CAN do this. I CAN make this happen. I CAN motivate myself.

Today was a bad eating day. A BAD BAD BAD eating today.

Tomorrow I will wrap up my daughter and take her with me to the grocery store. We will get some creamer (my one vice) for my wonderful Keurig Coffee maker (it ROCKS) that I got for Christmas, some fruits, some sliced turkey to chomp on...some more veges.

I will take it easy (due to my neck injury) and do some leg work tomorrow, even if it's only 10 minutes and walk. I will walk on my treadmill. I CAN walk afterall.

I CAN do this and by Valentines day I will have made progress and will be feeling better and will be well on my way.

Come on 2010...let's go find me!